I wanted to wake up, new
to discard all dreams of darkness and
replace memory with you.
I smiled at the mirror this morning.
Marveled at the brown skin beginning to
grow gold on my face.
The sun is out;
doesn’t mean the moon isn’t there, hiding.
You said fear is impossible when you’re here
yet here you are, shining.
Glowing yellow, forcing everything
underneath to glitter golden, to glisten, to pretend to
watch you change position and provide room for night
leaving space in darkness for the crescent to lay.
I wake up to new days but,
I remain the same.
I don’t speak just to fill up empty spaces. My words are not brittle drywall or cement capable of being worn apart by unwelcome intruders. My words are not temporary, so why should I treat them as such?
I wonder how many hours of our lives we spend making small talk. How much time has been wasted on the condition of the weather, as it literally speaks for itself in front of our faces. How much energy has been spent pretending that we are miserably tired and burdened with extremely busy schedules? We are busy enough to make small talk though.
Why do we like to fill in empty spaces? Why are we so afraid of silence? What is so terrifying about letting the air around us speak? The air that gives us our life, our power, and ironically, our own voices.
Your skin slides like silk, spills sweet like wine
Sheets of gold, folded
Your stretch marks merely shadows
Indicating what once was solid
And though you frown at your reflection
Reality knows the truth
That you are only gazing down
At a mirror that kneels before you
So shift your perception
Reclaim your rightful throne
Lift the weeping child from your seat
Begin to feel at home
This body cannot breathe
Unless you reap the tears you’ve sown
Only you have watered this garden
Only you have seen it grow
You got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy issues you got daddy iss-
The door slammed shut. Or did it gracefully close? Did he close it? Did he slam it? I don’t recall memories and words as well as I do emotions. The past will always exist to me in blurs but I have learned that my emotions are crystal clear and crisp as day. I am an empath, a feeler, a ponderer, an action without words type of girl. So when I say he slammed my great-grandmother’s front door shut as I silently stood at the top of those steps, he may not have actually slammed it. But it felt like he did.
My father is a shadow figure in all of my memories. I don’t recall his face, his voice, or his touch. I don’t recall thinking about him that much. My father was a shadow, even when he was present in my life. It was easy to ignore him, to forget him, but I was quickly reminded of him every time I looked at my reflection. A fusion of two, a collision of pasts, a merging of lives so different they couldn’t last. Was I a product of love or lust? Am I a carefully forged mistake? Or am I merely a reminder of my mother’s fate? I am her mistake, her destiny.
After that door slammed shut, nothing changed. My father remained a shadow and out of herself, my mother created a false oasis for us to reside in…until she found God.
Her poetry resides in her pain
And what a dangerous place that is to live
She can only make sense of everything
When she’s aching from within
Joy brings writers-block
But when she cries, prose flows like tears from her pen
And those wounding words that haunt her mind
Have now become her very best friends
Bitter kisses transform into songs that ascend from the tip of her trembling tongue
Brutal thoughts leave bruises on her intellect and loneliness leaves scars on her lungs
Her poetry resides in her pain
And sadness invites a comforting calm
Enthralled by her light, a short lived haiku
No one notices when she’s gone
I pick apart pieces of me until I fall apart.
Sleeping in filth
Wrapped in sheets of shattered guilt
Scabs begging to heal
But with eager nails I pick and peel
Dig and peel
Dig and kneel to worship everything else
Except for myself.
I pray to gods made of the dirt that I lay in
And I speak their many tongues
I taste and I bite
I chew your words but refuse to swallow your pride
– selfish me I am always at the beginning of sentences even though I am too busy writing scripts for everyone
You broke me before I broke me and
I wish I did the breaking first because then
I could’ve swallowed the truth in your words.
But instead, I chewed on them with wrath.
I spit them out instead and watched them waste away in a deep void of resentment.
You were once a new wound.
Brand new but you hurt me like a bitch
And tried to heal too quick
A wound that I was never familiar with, never had closure with.
So excuse me while I kneel again
And peel and pick
With eager nails.
As I lay here wrapped in the comfort of my sheets
I ask myself:
How is it so easy to forgive everyone else, and why is it such a challenge to forgive myself?
But then I remember that these thoughts themselves…are in essence, the beginning of my release.